THE PARENTAL PALE HORSE
The issue of death has been very much on our minds in the past month or so as
we have been confronted with three deaths involving the near relatives of the
members of this church. Besides that, some of us have also noticed that in
recent weeks there seem to be an increase in the number of funeral wakes set up
in the void-decks of HDB blocks. Perhaps it is due to the fluctuating weather.
Perhaps it is simply the Lord’s providential reminder to us, not to become
complacent with regards to the “king of terrors” (Job 18:14).
Providentially, also, we were studying Philippians 1:21 last Lord’s Day, where
we saw what the Apostle Paul means when he says: “For me… to die is gain.” In
accordance with the context of the verse, we dealt mainly with Christian death,
against a brief backdrop of the world’s views and attitudes towards death.
In this short article, we want to continue the subject from a different angle,
in order that we may pause and think for a moment not so much concerning our own
death, which was dealt with in the sermon last Lord’s Day, but concerning the
death that will come upon our loved ones who are in their senior or evening
years.
Universality and
Suddenness of Death
For a start, I believe, it is needful for us to remind ourselves that death is
universal and can come upon anyone suddenly.
Death was brought about by the fall of Adam (Rom 5:12), and since then it has
affected all men and have come upon all men regardless of their stations in
life, gender and age. Many perish in old age, but a great many perish in
infancy and youth too. In the history of mankind, only two persons did not
experience death, namely, Enoch and Elijah. Both of them were translated to
heaven in extraordinary circumstances. Death, for all others, is appointed by
God (Heb 9:27), and none can escape (except those alive when Christ returns: 1
Cor 15:52; 1 Thes 4:15, 17), for “there is no man that hath power over the
spirit to retain the spirit; neither hath he power in the day of death” (Ecc
8:8a).
According to one population statistics, about 2 persons die in the world every
second. This means that on an average day, at every minute, more than 100
people would die around the world, and by the time you finish this article,
more than 1,000 people would have entered their eternal destinies. According to
the same statistics, 140,000 people die each day, of which 30,000 are children
under 5 years of age. This is excluding the large but unknown number of
abortions and miscarriages that occur every minute. Truly, Moses is right when
he says: “Thou carriest them away as with a flood” (Ps 90:5).
It is true that mortality rates around the world are dropping because of
medical and technological advances, but hardly anyone will venture to say that
there will come a day in this present world when man will be inoculated against
death. No, death is a certainty for all men because of the curse of sin. We
will all die, and all our friends and relatives will die. Statistically, those
in the prime of life are less likely to die in any single day than those who
are in their evening years. So, most of us (at least, in PCC) are more likely,
within the next two decades or so, to have to attend the funerals of our
parents and relatives rather than that of a fellow church member. But time and
again, we are reminded that there are always exceptions as young men and women
with seemingly very bright futures ahead are cut down in their youth. And so we
must all be prepared to die; but at the same time we must also be prepared for the
death of our loved ones, especially if they are approaching their evening
years. Indeed, with each passing year, we must be even more prepared that death
will occur in that year. Moses reminds us of this fact when he says under
inspiration:
The days of our years are threescore
years and ten; and if by reason of strength they be fourscore years, yet is
their strength labour and sorrow; for it is soon cut off, and we fly away (Ps
90:10).
It has been estimated that the average life expectancy of male children born in
Singapore
in the year 2000 is 77.1 years, whereas for females it is 83.23. But the life
expectancy of those born before 1970 is only 66 years or less, 4 years short of
the 70-year average stated by Moses. Are our parents approaching 70 or have passed
70? We must be prepared for the increased possibility of their departure within
the year.
Let us not be complacently thinking that only when we see signs of
deteriorating health that we should begin to prepare for their departure. When
death strikes according to the appoint-ment of God, it is almost always sudden
and usually unexpected. Remember that death can occur for a great number of
reasons, not just illness. Death can occur also because of minor accidents. For
a person who is very advanced in age, a fall or even a cut can be fatal.
Though it may be unpleasant to think about, or anticipate, the death of our
beloved parents, it is far better that we be prepared than to be caught off
guard with the possibility of being inundated with guilt for our failures and
negligence.
Preparation for our
Parents’ Death
Take note that we are referring not just to mental preparation, and preparation
in terms of buying insurance coverage, but more so to preparation in terms of
duties and responsibilities. What are some of the areas in which we ought to be
prepared?
In the first place, it is needful for us to begin examining our relationship
towards our aging parents. Have we been treating them with respect and honour
(Ex 20:12)? Or have we been taking them for granted or, worst, treating them as
strangers and burdens. It is an exceedingly sad thing to see children mourning
the death of their father when it is known that when the father was alive, they
not only neglected him, but also were often abusive towards him. Beloved, even
the world would feel indignant at such a sight (cf. 1 Tim 5:8). Let none of us
be found guilty of such grotesque hypocrisy. Let us not wait till death, before
showing love and concern, for it would be too late then. It is true that some parents
can be very exasperating and hard to love. But as Christ loves us who are not
just unlovely but hateful, are we not able to love our parents who nurtured and
maintained us, whatever their faults may have been? And if we find it not in
our hearts to love them for one reason or another, shall we not find all means
to honour them for Christ’s sake (1 Jn 5:3)?
In the second place, it is needful for us to be concerned with our parents’
spiritual state. If the Christian friends I know are anything to go by, it
would appear that most of us who are in our twenties to forties (in PCC and in
Singapore) are first-generation Christians, or are second-generation
Christians, where our parents have been converted under rather shallow Arminian
campaigns. Experience has shown us that very few of our parents, who profess to
be Christians, are sound in their faith. Many remain in ignorant superstitions
despite their apparent conversions. Now, therefore it behoves us who have
unbelieving parents to pray for them; and to take every prudent opportunity to
tell them about Christ and to urge them to seek Him while there is yet time. At
the same time, it would also behove those who are unsure of their parents’
faith to show genuine care and to fulfil our debt towards them by humbly and
lovingly expounding unto them the way of God more perfectly (cf. Acts 18:26).
Now, it must be admitted that it is not easy to do so. Many of us will find it
difficult to express ourselves effectively to our parents about spiritual
matters in the language that they are comfortable with, since a large number of
our parents know little English whereas most us would worship, read and think
in English. If that be the case, my suggestion would be to try to get a mature
believer who is able to express himself well, in the dialect of our parents, to
talk to them. Some other of us may be hindered in trying to talk to our parents
not so much because of language barriers, but because we fear that our parents
would despise our youth and retort that they have eaten more salt than we have
eaten rice. This fear is not unfounded, especially in the context of the Asian
culture, where the attitude of parental superiority is very strong. What do we
do in such a circumstance? I believe we may also want to try engaging someone
older to befriend our parents. But beyond that, I believe we should ask the
Lord for courage to speak. Consider Paul’s exhortation to Timothy:
For God hath not given us the spirit
of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. Be not thou therefore
ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me his prisoner: but be thou
partaker of the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God (2 Tim
1:7–8).
Speaking to our parents concerning their errors may incur their displeasure and
ridicule, but keeping quiet is to refuse to be partakers of the afflictions of
the gospel, and to be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord. Albeit his wrong
assessment of Job, I believe young Elihu was right when he said:
I said, Days should speak, and
multitude of years should teach wisdom. But there is a spirit in man: and the
inspiration of the Almighty giveth them understanding. Great men are not always
wise: neither do the aged understand judgment (Job 32:7–9).
Beloved, let us not wait till it is too late to prepare for our parents’
departure. Do not presume that our parents may be more willing to hear the Word
when they are on the bed of affliction or on the deathbed. The certainty of
conversion on deathbeds is always suspicious. William Guthrie has well said:
The Bible, which ranges over a
period of four thousand years, records but one instance of a death-bed
conversion, one that none may despair, and but one that none may presume.
Attitudes Towards our
Parents’ Death
Now, finally, what should our attitude be when the moment comes for our parents
to depart?
In the first place, guilt will be natural if we have
neglected our parents’ physical and spiritual well being when they were still
alive. If we had neglected to provide for their needs, no amount spent to make
the funeral an elaborate affair will sooth the feeling of guilt that is bound
to overwhelm us if we have a Christian conscience. Again, no amount of
rationalising will help us if we have made no effort to tell them about Christ
or to have them hear the gospel, or to steer them to the way of Christ, in the
case where they have been living in hypocritical profession of faith.
Now, in saying all these, it is not my purpose at all to rub salt into the
conscience of anyone of us who have felt guilt due to our past neglect towards
our deceased parents. I believe firmly that whenever we come to Christ upon
realisation of our sin and failures, we will find forgiveness in Him. And so if
you have experiences of guilt, hesitate not to flee to Christ at all, weep
before Him for your negligence, but doubt not that He has forgiven as soon as
you have poured your hearts to Him. But for those of us whose parents are still
living, let us take heed to do what is required of us cheerfully. Let none of
us tempt God by thinking that we can escape any neglect simply by rationalising
that we can find forgiveness when the time comes (Rom 6:1ff).
In the second place, if we have done what we could, given the limitations of
our providential circumstances and limitations, then we need not feel guilt
even if our parents should perish in unbelief. Neither need we question why God
has not allowed them to live a little longer that we may have more
opportunities to bring the gospel to them. Always remember that God has
determined the eternal destiny of every person from all eternity, and He has
also appointed their time of death (Ecc 3:2; Heb 9:27). Before our parents die,
we do not know if they have been elected of God, and so we must make every
effort to seek their salvation. But once our parents depart, then even if they
depart in unbelief, we must acquiesce to the will of God. Yes, it is natural to
grieve, but we must not let guilt overwhelm us, for salvation is ultimately in
the hands of the Lord.
In the third place, if our parents were to die in the faith, then albeit the
feeling of lost, we must be thankful to the Lord that they are brought into the
comfortable presence of Christ to be with Him for all eternity. We must not
weep unduly as though we do not believe that they are in a far better place
(see 1 Thessalonians 4:13).
Conclusion
Although under normal circumstances, it is a general principle that “the
children ought not to lay up for the parents, but the parents for the children”
(2 Cor 12:14), yet it is good and acceptable before God for children to
“requite their parents” (1 Tim 5:4). All of us owe our parents a great debt,
and so we ought to study how to requite their kindness towards us. Has the Lord
blessed us with salvation and a greater light of the gospel? Woe are we if we
hide the light in a bushel or sound an uncertain trumpet with our unchristian
attitudes and manner of life. May the Lord grant us courage and wisdom,
therefore, to show love and care in tangible and spiritual means towards these
who have been instruments of the Lord for our nurture from infancy.
—JJ Lim