BIBLICAL
PRINCIPLES FOR COURTSHIP
Some years ago when my
wife and I started going out together, my wife’s Bible Study leader in the
parachurch group we were in gave her a book on dating. This book, written by
Barry St. Clair and Bill Jones, has a very attractive title: Dating: Picking (and being)
a Winner (Here’s Life
Publishers, 1987). At that time, I did not think much about the book. But now
looking back I am glad that my wife did not apply the principles taught in it,
or I might not have married her!
Problems of Dating
This book advocates the
common American practice of dating.
It gives a ‘sanctified’ definition of dating as: “A growing friendship between
a guy and a girl which honours Jesus Christ as each person puts the other’s
need first” (p. 23). As the book progresses, however, it becomes quite clear
that the authors are simply trying to force-fit some biblical guidelines into a
questionable worldly practice which is at worst a sensual and meaningless
end-in-itself relationship experiment, and at best a rather selfish
trial-and-error spouse fishing method. Consider how the authors exalt
non-commitment in dating and deprecate commitments. According to them, there
are four levels of dating: “group dating,” “couple dating,” “consistent dating”
and “commitment dating.”
“Couple dating” is defined thus: “… a guy and girl go out alone. It may be a
one-time date, or they may date occasionally. However, neither one is committed
only to the other. If they date fairly often, they date other people as well.
This is the healthiest stage of dating, because a person builds friendship with
many different people…” (p. 126).
“Commitment dating” is defined thus: “… the couple dates no one else because
they have a commitment to date only each other. They may or may not have talked
about their commitment. Either way, both understand that they will not pursue a
relationship with another guy or girl” (p. 126).
One wonders how a commitment could be made without saying anything when all
this while the couple has been dating without any commitment to each other. In
any case the authors appear to dissuade commitment as they immediately list 4
pluses and 8 minuses for commitment dating! The first of the pluses is: “You no
longer have to worry about getting a date”! One of the minuses is: “You are
limited in who you can date.… You are committed, so you no longer have the
freedom to go out with others. This can create problems if a holy hunk or
spiritual fox arrives on the scene” (p. 128).
No, I do not think all dating is sinful. We will be hard pressed to prove that
dating is always sinful. But I do believe that the practice of casual dating is
one of the causes of moral laxity in the American culture. I also believe that
dating without any marriage-focus goal does promote worldly principles of
self-centredness, which often results in very painful break-up between couples.
Alternative to Dating
If not dating, then what
are the alternatives? Since marriage is an ordinance of God, there must be
acceptable activities that lead to it. The fact that Scripture does not dictate
any one method suggests that it is a matter of Christian liberty. But, the two
biblical examples are: arranged marriages and courtship. The marriage between
Isaac and Rebekah was partly arranged. In a certain sense, Jacob’s marriage to
Rachel was through courtship (though his marriage to Leah was through
trickery!). Now, with the increasing complexity of the modern society, arranged
marriages are all but extinct. Few parents are willing to arrange marriages for
their children; and few children would be happy to be forced into marriage by
their parents. The church, moreover, does not have any biblical warrant to
arrange marriages. What is left for us is courtship.
I would define courtship,—in distinction to dating,—as activities between a man
and a woman with the goal of marriage in view. In other words, it involves a
man and a woman going out together as a couple with a stated or understood goal
of marriage. Indeed, I do not think we can make a biblical case for a girl and
a boy going out together alone on a date just for fun or for making friends.
There are other ways to make friends.
God’s Will in Courtship
Someone may ask: But how
do you know it is God’s will for you to marry someone whom you have not had a
long time of consistent dating to get to know very well? If not, how could you
enter into a relationship with a goal of marriage? My answer would be: how do
you know it is God’s will for you to marry someone you have got to know very
well by a long time of consistent dating? The point is, it is impossible for
you to know if it is God’s will for you to marry someone until you are actually
married to the person. I am, of course, referring to the secret or decretive
will of God, for what else would our inquirer have in mind?
In so far as the revealed will, or precepts of God, is concerned, “Marriage ought not to be within the degrees of
consanguinity or affinity forbidden by the Word”(WCF 24.4; see Lev 18; 1 Cor 5:1), and “it the
duty of Christians to marry only in the Lord” (WCF 24.3; see 1 Cor 7:39; cf. 2 Cor
6:14–18). The Word of God teaches us: “The secret things belong unto the LORD our God: but those things which are
revealed belong unto us and to our children for ever, that we may do all the
words of this law” (Deut 29:29). In other words, we must never seek to know
God’s secret will, nor make our decisions based on His secret will. This being
the case, if you are single and the person you are courting is a single
believer who is not too closely related to you, you may know that it is not
against God’s (preceptive) will for you to marry him or her.
Of course, “in the Lord” can and ought be more narrowly defined as in our
Confession, so that “such as profess the true reformed religion should not
marry with infidels, papists, or other idolaters:… [nor] such as are
notoriously wicked in their life, or maintain damnable heresies” (WCF 24.3). Prudence would also dictate
some other qualities to look for, such as godly Christian character with a fear
of God and a desire to conform to the Word of God. Personal preferences and
attraction may also influence our choices. In a letter to William Farel, John
Calvin explained what he was looking for in a wife:
I am none of those insane lovers who
embrace even vices, once they have been overcome by a fine figure. The only
beauty that attracts me is this: if she is modest, accommodating, not haughty,
frugal, patient, and there is hope she will be concerned about my health.
Now, it is also not wrong to be attracted by external appearance, provided
reason is not clouded by it. Again, Calvin has some refreshing remarks:
… we see how naturally a secret kind of
affection produces mutual love. Only excess is to be guarded against, and so
much the more diligently, because it is difficult so to restrain affections of
this kind, that they do not prevail to the stifling of reason. Therefore he who
shall be induced to choose a wife, because of the elegance of her form, will
not necessarily sin, provided reason always maintains the ascendancy, and holds
the wantonness of passion in subjection (Calvin’s Comm. on Genesis 29:18).
In any case, it is clear that dating is not going to help you to determine if
it is the will of God to marry a particular person. Instead, dating is based on
the unbiblical and irresponsible notion that compatibility and ‘chemistry’ are
paramount, and that the vanishing of the “cloud nine feeling” is sufficient
ground to break up even a steady relationship of many years.
What is the will of God concerning courtship? I believe it is simply this: “Let
your yea be yea; and your nay, nay” (Jas 5:12; cf. Mt 5:37). In other words, it
should be based on commitment towards marriage right from the onset. Yes, it
must be entered with the understanding that there could be good reasons eventually
to call off the relationship; but the reasons must be biblical. Lost of the
“cloud nine feeling,” the appearance of a “holy hunk or spiritual fox,” or even
quarrel are certainly not right reasons. Possible biblical reasons for
initiating a break-up include: (1) if you discover your date to have a loose
morality which is tending towards fornication before marriage is possible; (2)
if you find it increasingly difficult to resist temptation and marriage is
definitely not possible in the near future; (3) desertion by your date; (4) if
you discover your date to be insincere with regards to your commitment to each
other; (5) if your parents object to your relationship, especially in the case
where a rational or biblical reason is forwarded; (6) if you discover that your
date is not a true believer, such as when he or she comes from a church which
is lax in discipline, and also demonstrates clear signs of unregeneracy; (7) if
you find your commitment to Christ adversely affected by your relationship.
When to Begin Courtship?
Very few Singaporeans
actually practise casual dating in the way of the American culture. Our society
is still quite conservative in this sense. However, it is an observable fact
that many young Singaporeans enter into some form of committed relationship at
ages 12 or 13. This, however, is not courtship. It is more like a premature
form of consistent or committed dating simply because marriage can hardly be on
the agenda in such relationships.
So, when would be a right age to begin courtship? I believe that given the
marriage-goal of courtship there are two factors which should determine when is
a right time to begin: (1) maturity of the persons as determined by whether
they can make independent and responsible decisions; and (2) when marriage is a
possibility in the not too distant future, say within 5 years. In other words,
I do not believe that teenagers should enter courtship or dating relationships.
I do not have dogmatic reasons to buttress my suggestion, but that there is
really no biblical grounds for two young persons to be romantically linked
unless marriage is in view. Moreover, various statistical studies have
indicated that the earlier a young person starts dating, the more likely he or
she will commit fornication (seeClair and Jones, Dating, 27). Experience
in the local context, moreover, shows that most relationships that begin prior
to the completion of National Service (for men, 18 to 20 years old) end up in
painful break-ups.
How to Begin Courtship?
Since the husband is to
be the leader in the family (Eph 5:23) and the wife ought to have a “meek and
quiet spirit” (1 Pet 3:4), it is quite important that courtship be initiated by
the man. A man who fails to take initiative in courtship may also fail to take
leadership in marriage. A woman who initiates courtship may eventually subvert
the headship of her husband. Of course, these are maybes, but a failure to
recognise the biblical roles of husband and wife and to resolve to observe
these roles early is likely to create problems later in the relationship.
Thus, when a man is ready for courtship, he should speak to the woman of his
choice (after praying and seeking guidance on whether she be the one he should
ask). He should naturally have observed her for quite a while in social
settings, such as in the church or at work. He should also know her Christian
character somewhat, before asking her out.
On the part of the woman, when a man proposes courtship, she should not
immediately accept the proposal. Remember, that courtship is a committed
relationship that should ordinarily lead to marriage. It behoves the woman,
therefore, to spend sometime to think, pray and seek godly counsel about the
proposal before agreeing to go out with a particular man. She should, of
course, consider his commitment to Christ as indicated above.
Involvement of Parents and
Church
At this point, it would
be most helpful for the parents to be involved. A son who honours his parents
will naturally want to let them know and approve of his courtship with his
girlfriend. A filial daughter would do the same. It is therefore wise and
prudent for a courting couple to meet each other’s parents at the earliest
convenient time. If at all possible, parental involvement should be more than
just approval of the relationship, they should also take an advisory and
perhaps accountability role. This is especially so if they are committed
believers themselves. But what if they are unbelievers? Then any believing
older brothers or sisters may also fulfil the role. In the Songs of Solomon, we
have a very beautiful picture of the way in which the brothers of the
Shunnamite woman protected her until she was married off:
We have a little sister, and she hath no
breasts: what shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken
for? If she be a wall, we will build upon her a palace of silver: and if she be
a door, we will inclose her with boards of cedar (Song 8:8–9).
What does it mean for her to be a wall? Perhaps, it means that she is one with
a firm and steadfast character. That being the case, the brothers resolve to
adorn her. But what does it mean for her to be a door? Perhaps, it means that
she is one who is weak or morally lax, in which case they would protect her
purity from men who would defile her.
But what if both parents and siblings are unbelievers? In this case, I believe,
the couple should seek the guidance and counsel of the pastor or elders of the
church they worship in. This does not negate parental approval for the
relationship, but it does provide for accountability for a Christ-centred
relation that can only be provided by believers.
Whether, it be parents, siblings or church, it would be most helpful for the
maintenance of purity and direction in the courtship for the couple to be
accountable to someone who is interested in seeing that the relation is
Christ-honouring. This person or persons should be kept aware of how the
relationship is developing and should meet with the couple on a regular basis
for counselling if necessary.
Activities in Courtship
Since courtship is with
a view to marriage, it is useful if the activities in courtship be more or less
designed to get to know one another. Going to a movie or taking a nap together,
for example, would hardly help the couple to get to know one another, not to
mention being occasions for temptation. On the other hand, doing some
meaningful activities together such as walking, Bible study, baby-sitting
together, hospital visitation, tracting, baking, etc., can be very helpful to
the developing of the relationship.
Naturally, for the sake of maintaining purity in courtship, the couple must
recognise that physical intimacy should only be reserved for marriage. Are you
in courtship? Keep your courtship pure. Avoid all situations which may give
rise to temptation. If you set yourselves in a room alone, for any length of
time unless it is for a brief moment or you are expecting someone soon, then
you are courting trouble. Heed the Apostle Paul’s advice: “Let him that
thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall” (1 Cor 10:12). And remember: “Flee
fornication” (1 Cor 6:18a; cf. 2 Tim 2:22; 1 Thes 5:22). If you are ever in a
situation of temptation, flee. Flee like Joseph did when Potiphar’s wife tried
to seduce him.
Some physical contact such as hand-holding in courtship is generally pleasant
and usually harmless. However, couples must be careful not to allow physical
contact to degenerate into sensual lust. Indeed, if the couple, especially the
man finds himself sexually aroused just by hand-holding, he should also avoid
doing so. The principle to remember is that purity involves not only the
physical act, but the heart as well.
Notice how our Lord hints at the involvement of the eyes and hands when there
is a failure to maintain purity:
But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh
on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his
heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee:
for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not
that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend
thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee… (Mt 5:28–30).
Of course, the Lord is not telling us to literally pluck out our eyes or cut
off our hands. But that drastic actions are sometimes necessary to maintain
purity. In a courtship, this may involve the suspension of touching and
hand-holding.
Also, a couple should not delay marriage if they find it increasingly difficult
to maintain purity (1 Cor 7:9).
Conclusion
This short article is
hardly enough to treat the subject of courtship exhaustively. However, I hope
that this introduction will serve as a gentle reminder to reform and conform
our lives, including our courtship, to the biblical standards. Those who desire
to read a bit more on maintaining purity in courtship may consult the useful
booklet by David W. Merck, entitled Maintaining
Dating Purity (Truth For
Eternity Ministries, 1996).
—JJ Lim